If you’ve read many of my blog posts, you know that I’ve written a lot about my kids. It’s hard not to, since there are so many of them. Since I’m also full-time childcare for Hectic Grandson, I’ve written about him a lot. Since he and his Mom live with us, it’s hard not to write about him too. Honestly, the vast majority of my days are filled with things related to the kids or Hectic Grandson.
But there’s one other person that I’ve written about occasionally who is beginning to get more of my attention. My Mom. Three years ago, this past November, my Dad died. While it wasn’t entirely unexpected, his decline from February to November of that year was dramatic, heart-wrenching, and taxing on all of us. As his care needs increased, my Mom stepped up to the plate and did yeoman’s duty. But she’s no youngster, and the toll that his care took on her was significant. Honestly, I think she aged more in those ten months than in any other period of her life. For a while after his death, Mom was doing very well. While she missed Dad terribly, she was finally able to take better care of herself. But then her health started to decline too. Not to the point of really needing to move out of her own home, but to the point where this stoic, strong, Midwestern woman needed to ask for help. And that was totally out of character for her. She’s from the do it myself generation, where you rely on yourself to get things done. Help is nice, but in no way expected.
Although she lives barely two miles from us, I’ve been pretty bad about going to visit her. Occasionally I’ll think to ask if she needs any tasks done, and very infrequently she’ll tell me what she needs done. When the older kids are home, they have been great about going to visit her, and they have been even better at noting what tasks need done…and providing the list to me or doing the work themselves.
We’ve had a really odd Winter, with ice storms and 70F days. We’ve been becalmed for days in a row (not something that happens in Kansas very often), and we’ve had days like today with 50-60mph winds. Several weeks ago, we had an ice storm followed by several windy days. Dozens of trees at Mom’s house lost hundreds of branches, including a large one that blocked her very steep, and very long driveway. In a rare moment, she called and asked if we could come over and move the tree that was blocking the driveway. She didn’t mention that she had hundreds of other branches down. When we got there, we discovered the significant amount of cleanup that was required, and I enlisted the rest of the family to come over and help. We worked for four hours and made a huge dent in her mess.
A couple weeks later, she mentioned that one of the tires was low on her van, and she didn’t know how to get it aired up. We used to have full-service gas stations that checked tire pressure and oil pressure, but they are an absolute rarity now. Then she called a day later and mentioned that the oil hadn’t been changed in far too long. So I made an appointment to have the car checked in general and the basic maintenance items addressed. While the appointment took just barely an hour, the mechanic noted several items that we needed to watch. Since I’m not a car guy, I had to make extensive notes just so I would remember.
When I got the vehicle back to Mom’s, she commented that she needed kitty litter and several other heavy items from the store. I offered to make the trip for her, since she has some trouble walking, and frankly is overwhelmed by the sheer size of Wal-Mart and our local grocery store. While they both have just about anything you can imagine, they are huge…and daunting to someone who has some difficulty walking. We sat down and made her list, and I went off to do her shopping.
After bringing everything home, unloading it, and stowing it in her pantry, refrigerator, and freezer (under very close supervision with a lot of direction as how to do it correctly) she mentioned that her computer was acting up and her printer had stopped working. Since I’m an IT guy by trade (or at least I was one before I went into the full-time grandpa business), I happily agreed to take a look. Four hours later her computer was still doing Windows updates. I had diagnosed the printer, but needed the updates to complete before I could fix the printer. I had to leave to do some driving for the kids, so I had to leave, but came back a few hours later to complete the work that needed to be done.
A little bit ago I got off the phone with Mom and have a list of about ten items that will take a couple days to complete. Little, nagging sorts of things that need to be done at her house that she either doesn’t have the expertise to do, or isn’t physically capable of doing. I’ve got the items added to my schedule, and I’ll get them knocked out within the course of a week or two. I also got her to agree to let me (or one of the kids) accompany her on her grocery shopping so she doesn’t have such a hard time at the store. That was a huge step forward. At least I know she’ll have the food she wants in the house.
But all this points to the fact that I’m managing four generations of our household. I’ve got my kids, I’ve got my grandson, I’ve got my Mom, and I’ve got myself and Hectic-Mom. Please understand, I’m not complaining. I actually love what I do for my family, and I feel so very accomplished when I get things done for them. And it’s not like anybody in that group is helpless. Even Hectic Grandson, and 23 months pulls his weight. He carries in grocery and household items far beyond what would ever be considered reasonable for somebody his age and size. Everybody works around here…but there’s so much to do. So a lot falls on my shoulders.
And there’s the rub. I’ve only got so many hours in the day, and I’m managing things for twelve people. There are lots of fires to put out, let alone the planned items. And I’m doing it for four generations! Some days it’s just exhausting.
How about you, are you in a sandwich between kids’ and parents’ needs?
